Jokes

On their wedding night the bride tells her husband that she has never had sex before and asks him to explain it to her.

“OK, Sweetheart. Putting it simply, we will call your private place ‘the
prison’ and call my private thing ‘the prisoner’. So what we do is: put the
prisoner in the prison.

After that explanation they made love for the first time.

Afterwards, the guy is lying face up on the bed, smiling with satisfaction.

Nudging him, his bride giggles, “Honey the prisoner seems to have escaped.”

A local charity office has recieved many donations - but now from one of the town’s richest and most successful lawyers. So the person in charge of the charity decided to pay him a visit and persuade him to donate at least a little.

“Our research shows that out of a yearly income of at least $500,000, you give not a penny to charity. Wouldn’t you like to give back to the community in some way?”

The lawyer thought about this for a few minutes and then said, “First, did your research also show that my mother is dying after a long illness, and has medical bills that are several times her annual income?”

Ol’ Fred was on his death bed in the hospital and his family decided to call the preacher - knowing how religious he was. While the preacher stood next to the bed praying over him Ol’ Fred seemed to get worse. Suddenly he motioned for the preacher to give him something to write on.

The pastor handed him a pen and paper - which Ol’ Fred used to write something down with the last strength that he had before he died. The preacher thought it best not to look at the note at that time, so he placed it in his jacket pocket.

A farmer decides he wants to divorce his wife so he goes to an attorney’s office and tells him, “I want to get one of those dayvorces.”

The attorney then asked, “Well do you have any grounds?”

The farmer said, “Yea, I got about 140 acres.” The attorney said, “No, you don’t understand, do you have a case?”

The farmer said, “No, I don’t have a Case, but I have a John Deere.”

The attorney said, “No you don’t understand, I mean do you have a grudge?”

The farmer said, “Yea I got a grudge, that’s where I park my John Deere.”

The Taco Bell Chihuahua, a Bulldog and a Doberman are in a bar having a drink when a female Collie walks up to them and says, “Whoever can say liver and cheese in a sentence can have me.”

So the Doberman says, “I love liver and cheese.” The Collie replies, “That’s not good enough.”

The Bulldog says, “I hate liver and cheese.” She says, “That’s not creative enough.”

Finally, the Chihuahua says, “Liver alone . . . cheese mine.”

Dan Quayle, President Bush, Bill Clinton, and Ross Perot were traveling together to see the Wizard of Oz. When they finally arrived to the Emerald City they were allowed to see him.

President Bush was first to see the wizard and said, “Everyone says I have no compassion or feelings, I wish to have a Heart”. So the Wizard said, “So be it”.

Next was Dan Quayle who told the wizard, “People think I’m unintelligent and have no common sense whatsoever. I want a brain. The Wizard said, “So be it”.

A little boy was hoping that he could get $100 so that he could buy himself a bike. For weeks he prayed – but he did not receive any money.

That’s when he decided to write God and ask for the money.

When the postmasters saw the letter addressed to God, USA they chose to send it off to the President.

The President was amused and thought it was so cute that he told his secretary to send the little boy $5. Knowing that this amount would seem like a lot to such a young boy.

A blonde was craving pizza so she decided to stop by her favorite pizza shop on the way home from work. After she ordered what she wanted the assistant asked her if she wanted it cut into six or twelve pieces.

“Six please” she said, “I could never eat twelve!”

Bob’s wife was pissed at him because he forgot the most important day of the year – their wedding anniversary. Just before they went to sleep that night she yelled at him and said, “Tomorrow morning, I expect to find a gift in the driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in 6 seconds AND IT BETTER BE THERE!!”

Early the next morning his wife woke up and when she looked outside at the driveway she saw a small box. She went outside and picked up the gift-wrapped package curious as to what it might be.

A blonde had always been teased by friends and family that she was dumb and didn’t know what she was doing. She was even told this by her husband.

One morning the husband leaves for work and the blonde gets up. She’s determined to prove to her husband that blondes arn’t dumb, by painting the kitchen.

When her husband gets home he says to his wife “Honey why do you have 3 coats on?”

The blonde says, “Well the directions on the paint said to use three coats for best results.”