Jokes

A guy brought his pet monkey into the bar with him and ordered drinks. The monkey sat there for a few minutes and then began to jump all over the bar and act crazy. The monkey grabbed olives off of the tables and ate them, then began to eat some sliced limes before he jumped onto the pool table stuck the cue ball in his mouth and ate it whole.

The bartender screams at the guy, “Did you see what your monkey just did?” “No, what?” says the guy. “He just ate the cue ball off my pool table - whole!” says the bartender. “Yeah, that doesn’t surprise me, he eats everything in sight. Quite an appetite.

A man walked into his son’s bedroom to tell him to go take out the garbage- but couldn’t find him. Instead he found a letter from his son addressed to him. He opened the letter and with a sinking feeling he began to read it.

Dear Dad,

It is with great regret and sorrow that I’m writing you. I had to elope with my new girlfriend because I wanted to avoid a scene with you and Mom. I’ve been finding real passion with Joan and she is so nice. I knew you would not approve of her because of all her piercings, tattoos, her tight motorcycle clothes and because she is so much older than I am but it’s not only the passion, Dad, she’s pregnant.

A police officer pulled over a driver for speeding and proceeded to ask all of the necessary questions:

Officer: May I see your driver’s license?

Driver: I don’t have one. It was revoked when I got my 5th DWI.

Officer: May I see the registration for this vehicle?

Driver: It’s not my car. I stole it.

Officer: The car is stolen?

Driver: That’s right. But come to think of it, I think I saw the registration in the glove box when I was putting my gun in there.

Officer: There’s a gun in the glove box?

A drunk man was stumbling down the street with one foot on the curb and one foot in the gutter. A cop saw him from down the street and pulled up next to him and said, “I’ve got to take you in, pal. You’re obviously drunk.”

Our wasted friend asked, “Officer, are ya absolutely sure I’m drunk?” “Yeah, buddy, I’m sure,” he said. “Let’s go.”

The drunk had a smile on his face and said, “Thank goodness, I thought I was crippled.”