Jokes

What’s the difference between a good lawyer and a bad lawyer?

A bad lawyer can let a case drag out for several years. A good lawyer can make it last even longer.

Three sons who loved their mother very much left home and were able to become wealthy over a period of time. One day they all got together to see what they each got her for her birthday.

The first said, “I built a big house for our Mother.” The second said, “I sent her a Mercedes with a driver.” The third smiled and said, “I’ve got you both beat. You remember how Mom enjoyed reading the Bible? And you know she can’t see very well any more. I sent her a remarkable parrot that recites the entire Bible. It took Elders in the church 12 years to teach him. He’s one of a kind. Mama just has to name the chapter and verse, and the parrot recites it.”

An Irishman entered a restaurant in a wheelchair one day and politely asked the waitress if she could bring him a cup of coffee. When she came back with one he looked across the restaurant and asked, “Is that Jesus sitting over there?” The waitress nodded “yes,” so the Irishman asked her to give Jesus a cup of coffee, on him.

A few minutes later an Englishman with a hunched back walks through the door, sits down painfully, and politely asks the waitress for a cup of hot tea. When she had brought it back he looks across the restaurant and asks her, “Is that Jesus over there?” The waitress nodded, so the Englishman asked her to give Jesus a cup of hot tea, “my treat.”

“I’m starting to think that my lawyer is too interested in making money.”
“Why do you say that?”
“Listen to this from his bill: ‘For waking up at night and thinking about your case: $25′.”

Before he got his haircut Bill Clinton asked the stylist Christophe. “How long will this take, how much will it cost, and how good will this look?”

Christophe replied just ten minutes, cost $20, and look marvelous. An hour and fifteen minutes later, Clinton looked into the mirror in horror and Christophe handed him a bill for $200.

Clinton gasped, “You took too long, it doesn’t look that great, and it is costing me ten times more than you said!”

Christophe replied, “That makes us even.”

A blonde woman was walking her dogs when a man came up and said, “oh my, you have such beautiful dogs.. what are their names?”

The blonde replies “Well, the taller one is Timex and the shorter one is Rolex.”

The man responds “Huh.. that’s interesting.. why did you name them such names?”

The blonde sighs and shakes her head “Everyone keeps asking me the same thing… duhh, what else can you name your watch dogs??”

Peter Ludwig is a caver from Austria who hates the way that Americans drive. He offer this piece of advice to those who truly need it:

The probability of being involved in a traffic accident is directly proportional to time spent on the road. Driving fast decreases one’s exposure.

One third of traffic accidents are caused by drunk drivers; two thirds are caused by non-drunk drivers.

Therefore, the safest way to drive is drunk and VERY fast.

Mr. Steinberg was rushed to the hospital in the middle of the night because he had a massive heart attack. The doctors took care of him and by morning time he was discharged to the ICU where they performed more tests on him.

In a couple of days Mr. Steinberg’s physician comes into his room and says, “Sol, I’m happy to tell you that you are completely well. You have the heart function that you did when you were a fifteen-year-old lad. We’re going to send you home tomorrow. You don’t have to worry about your heart; do any physical exercise that you like.”

Madame de Gaulle was lunching with her English friends in reverence to her dead husband when she was asked what she would be looking forward to in the coming years.

“A penis.” she replied without hesitation. The embarrassed silence that followed was broken by the former President.

“My dear, I don’t think that the English pronounce the word like that, it is ‘appiness’”

A man was pushing a cart in the supermarket that had a screaming baby in it. A woman standing next to him kept saying out loud, “Don’t get excited, Albert; don’t scream, Albert; don’t yell, Albert; keep calm, Albert.”

A woman standing next to him said, “You certainly are to be commended for trying to soothe your son, Albert.”

The man looked at her and said, “Lady, I’m Albert.”