A man received a picture in the mail of him speeding through an automated radar. With the picture was a $40 speeding ticket from the police. He decided to have a bit of fun and mailed back a picture of a $40 bill.
The police responded by sending back a picture of handcuffs.
A man got off from work early and decided that he was going to go out with his buddies to the bar and get something to drink. He ended up drinking the night away and didn’t make it home till 2 a.m.
He was very drunk and when he got home he tried to be as quiet as possible to keep from waking everyone up. So he takes off his shoes and starts tip-toeing up the stairs. Half-way up the stairs, he falls over backwards and lands flat on his rear end.
Friday morning the teacher decided that she was going to make things fun for her whole class and motivate them to pay attention in school. She told them that she would read off quotes and whoever was able to guess who said them would be able to go home early.
The first quote she read off was, “This was England’s finest hour.” Suzie raised her hand and said, “Winston Churchill”.
“Congratulations,” said the teacher, “you may go home early.”
The teacher then said, “Ask not what your country can do for you, but..” Before she could finish the quote, another young lady belts out, “John F. Kennedy!”
Two men were drinking at a bar trying to unwind from a hard day’s work. The first man says, “I got married because I was tired of eating out, cleaning the house, doing the laundry and wearing shabby clothes.”
“Amazing,” said the second, “I just got divorced for the very same reasons.”
An elderly couple were dating for five years before he popped the question. After taking her out to a romantic dinner he asked her to marry him. She said ‘yes’ without any hesitation.
The next morning when he woke up he couldn’t remember whether he said yes or no. “Was she happy? I think so, wait, no, she looked at me funny…”
After about an hour of trying to remember to no avail, he got on the telephone and gave her a call. Embarrassed, he admitted that he didn’t remember her answer to the marriage proposal.
A husband is on his death bed with only a few more hours to live. As he lay there he tells his wife that there is something he really wants to confess to her.
“I cannot die without telling you the truth. I cheated on you throughout our whole marriage. All those nights when I told you I was working late, I was with other women. And not just one woman either, but I’ve slept with dozens of them.”
After he had said this his wife leaned close to him and calmly said “Why do you think I gave you the poison?”
On their wedding night the bride tells her husband that she has never had sex before and asks him to explain it to her.
“OK, Sweetheart. Putting it simply, we will call your private place ‘the
prison’ and call my private thing ‘the prisoner’. So what we do is: put the
prisoner in the prison.
After that explanation they made love for the first time.
Afterwards, the guy is lying face up on the bed, smiling with satisfaction.
Nudging him, his bride giggles, “Honey the prisoner seems to have escaped.”
A local charity office has recieved many donations - but now from one of the town’s richest and most successful lawyers. So the person in charge of the charity decided to pay him a visit and persuade him to donate at least a little.
“Our research shows that out of a yearly income of at least $500,000, you give not a penny to charity. Wouldn’t you like to give back to the community in some way?”
The lawyer thought about this for a few minutes and then said, “First, did your research also show that my mother is dying after a long illness, and has medical bills that are several times her annual income?”
Ol’ Fred was on his death bed in the hospital and his family decided to call the preacher - knowing how religious he was. While the preacher stood next to the bed praying over him Ol’ Fred seemed to get worse. Suddenly he motioned for the preacher to give him something to write on.
The pastor handed him a pen and paper - which Ol’ Fred used to write something down with the last strength that he had before he died. The preacher thought it best not to look at the note at that time, so he placed it in his jacket pocket.
A farmer decides he wants to divorce his wife so he goes to an attorney’s office and tells him, “I want to get one of those dayvorces.”
The attorney then asked, “Well do you have any grounds?”
The farmer said, “Yea, I got about 140 acres.” The attorney said, “No, you don’t understand, do you have a case?”
The farmer said, “No, I don’t have a Case, but I have a John Deere.”
The attorney said, “No you don’t understand, I mean do you have a grudge?”
The farmer said, “Yea I got a grudge, that’s where I park my John Deere.”