Jokes

A young Chinese couple had just gotten married and was spending their first night as husband and wife. The wife was a virgin – but what she didn’t know was that her new husband was also.

That night she laid beneath the covers naked waiting nervously for her husband as he took off his clothes in the dark. When he was finished he got into bed and laid down next to her. He tried to sound experienced and reassuring by saying, ‘My darring,’ he whispers, ‘I know dis you firss time and you berry flighten. I promise you, I give you anyting you want, I do anyting - juss anyting you want. You juss ask. Whatchu want?’

A blonde rushed into the emergency room one night with the tip of her index finger shot off.

“How did this happen?” the emergency room doctor asked her.

Well, I was trying to commit suicide, the blonde replied.

“What?” sputtered the doctor. “You tried to commit suicide by shooting your finger off?”

“No, Silly!” the blonde said. “First I put the gun to my chest, and I thought: I just paid $6,000.00 for these breast implants, I’m not shooting myself in the chest.”

“And then?” asked the doctor.

A redneck family took a vacation to New York City. One day, the father took his son into a large building where they were amazed by what they saw there. One thing in particular that caught their attention was teh elevator at the end of the lobby. The boy asked, “What’s this, Paw?”

The father responded, “Son, I have never seen anything like this in my life. I don’t know what it is!”

An inebriated man was stumbling down the street with one foot on the curb and one foot in the gutter when a cop pulled up and said, “I’ve got to take you in, pal. You’re obviously drunk.”

Our wasted friend asked, “Officer, are ya absolutely sure I’m drunk?”

“Yeah, buddy, I’m sure,” said the copper. “Let’s go.”

Breathing a sigh of relief, the wino said, “Thank goodness, I thought I was crippled.”

Two laywers were out hunting one day when they came upon some tracks. They stopped to look at the tracks closely to determine what animal had made them.

The first lawyer announced, “Those are deer tracks. It’s deer season, so we should follow the tracks and find our prey.”

The second lawyer responded,”Those are clearly elk tracks, and elk are out of season. If we follow your advice, we’ll waste the day.”

Each attorney believed himself to be the superior woodsman, and they both bitterly stuck to their guns.

They were still arguing when the train hit them.

So you want a day off? Well, let’s just take a look at what you’re asking for?

There are 365 days per year, making that 52 weeks. You already have 2 days off per week, leaving just 261 days available for work. Since you already spend 16 hours each day away from work you’ve used up 170 days, leaving only 91 days left to work. You spend 30 minutes each day on coffee breaks which accounts for 23 days each year, now leaving only 68 days available. With a 1 hour lunch break each day, you used up another 46 days, leaving only 22 days available for work. You normally spend 2 days per year on sick leave, leaving you only 20 days per year available for work. We are off 5 holidays per year, so your available working time is down to 15 days.

Three blonde friends all died in a car accident. They found themselves standing in front of the gates of Heaven with St. Peter at the door. He spoke to them and told them that before they were allowed to enter they would have to tell him what Easter was all about.

The first blonde said, “Easter is a big holiday where we give thanks, have a big feast and eat turkey.”

“Nooooo,” said St. Peter. “You don’t get in.”

The second blonde said, “Easter is the holiday that we celebrate Jesus’ being born of the virgin and give gifts to each other.”

Murphy had applied for an engineering position at the Irish firm that was based out in Dublin. An American also applied for the job and both applicants were asked to take a test.

Upon completion of the test, both men had only missed one of the questions on the test. All the other questions were answered correctly. The manager went to Murphy and said, “Thanks to both of you for your interest, but we’ve decided to give the American the job.”

Murphy said, “And why would you be doing that? We both got 9 questions correct. This being Ireland and me being Irish, I should get the job!”

A man decided to get a haircut before he went on his big vacation to Rome, Italy. He told his barber about the trip who responded, “Rome? Why would anyone want to go there? It’s crowded, dirty and full of Italians. You’re crazy to go to Rome. So, how are you getting there?”

“We’re taking TWA,” was the reply. “We got a great rate!”

“TWA?” exclaimed the barber. “That’s a terrible airline. Their planes are old, their flight attendants are rude, and they’re always late. So, where are you staying in Rome?”

“We’ll be at the downtown International Marriott.”

A redneck and his wife live in the backwoods and had to call the doctor to come make a house call in the middle of the night because his wife was going into labor. The couple had no electricity so the doctor had the husband hold a lantern up so that he could see what he was doing.

Soon a baby boy was brought into the world.

“Whoa there,” said the doctor. “Don’t be in a rush to put the lantern down… I think there’s Yet another one to come.”

Sure enough, within minutes he had delivered a baby girl.