Jokes

Two women were comparing notes on the disorders that they each had while they were sitting in the waiting room at the doctor’s office.

“I want a baby more than anything in the world,” said the first, “But I guess it is impossible.”

“I used to feel just the same way,” said the second. “But then everything changed. That’s why I’m here. I’m going to have a baby in three months.”

“You must tell me what you did.”

“I went to a faith healer.”

“But I’ve tried that. My husband and I
went to one for nearly a year and it didn’t help a bit.”

Dear Son,

I will make sure to write this slow because I know that you cannot read very fast.

We have moved since you left home because your dad read that many accidents happen within 20 miles of your home.

I won’t be able to send you the address, as the last family that lived here took the house numbers when they left so that they wouldn’t have to change their address.

This place is real nice. It even has a washing machine. I’m not sure if it works too well though.

A man went to the store the other day and was in there for only five minutes and when he left a cop was in the middle of writing him a parking ticket. He went up to the cop and said, ‘Come on buddy, how about giving a guy a break?’

The cop ignored him and finished writing the ticket. The man was so frustrated that he called him a stupid idiot. In response to the comment the cop began to write him a ticket for having bald tires.

There was a young sailor sitting down in a bar throwing back a few drinks when he saw a pirate at another table. The pirate had a hook in one hand, a patch covering his eye, and a wooden-peg leg. The sailor walked over to him and asked him “How’d you end up with a peg-leg?”

“I was swept overboard during a fierce storm,” says the pirate. “and a bloody shark bit off me whole darn leg!” “Holy cow!” said the sailor. “What about the hook, how’d you get that?”

A lawyer and a doctor were in a car accident while on a small country road. The lawyer had ran a stop sign thinking that no one else would be on the road. The doctor was on a cross street and did not have enough time to react or get out of the way. Fortunately, neither driver was hurt.

The lawyer, seeing that the doctor was a little shaken up, helped him from his battered car and offered him a drink from a hip flask.The doctor accepted, took a deep drink, and handed the flask back to the lawyer. The lawyer held the flask for a minute or two, and gave it to the doctor again. The doctor took another swig. He again returned the flask to the lawyer, who closed it and put it away.

President Bush was sitting in his oval office listening as Donald Rumsfeld gave his daily briefing. At the end of it he told the President, “Yesterday, 3 Brazilian soldiers were killed.”

“OH NO!” the President exclaims. “That’s terrible!”

The whole staff sat there and watched as the President became quite emotional and were waiting patiently for his command and what action he wanted to take.

Finally, the President looks up and asks, “How many is a brazillion?”