Jokes

A 60 year old woman was walking down the street on her way to the grocery store when she heard a voice coming from above her say, “You will live to be 100.”

She stopped walking and looked all around her to discover who had said it. She didn’t see anyone and kept on walking when the voice once again said, “You will live to be 100.”

Looking around her again and seeing no one she concluded that the voice had to be God’s. She was excited at the fact that she would live an extra 40 years and skipped the grocery store and made her way to the nearest plastic surgeon.

“The car won’t start,” said a wife to her husband. “I think there’s water in the carburettor.”

“How do you know?” said the husband scornfully. “You don’t even know what the carburettor is.”

“I’m telling you,” repeated the wife, “I’m sure there’s water in the carburettor.”

“We’ll see,” mocked the husband. “Let me check it out. Where’s the car?”

“In the swimming pool.”

A brand new and rather young ventriloquist was making his way around the clubs and bars showing off his talents to the locals who found it highly amusing. One night he while he was doing a show in a small town in a club in Texas he ran into a few problems.

During an interview with David Letterman President Carter decided to share a translation problem that had happened to him while in Japan. He said that at the time he was speaking at a business lunch in Tokyo, Japan. He decided to open his lecture with a joke to help ease the mood.

He told the joke, then waited for the translator to announce the Japanese version. Even though the story was quite short, Carter was surprised by how quickly the interpreter was able to re-tell it. Even more impressive was the reaction from the crowd. Carter thought the story was cute, but not outright hilarious, yet the crowd broke right up. Carter was very flattered.

Some men in a pickup truck drove to a lumber yard. One of the men walked into the office and said, “We need some four-by-twos.”

The clerk asked, “You mean two-by-fours, don’t you?” The man said, “I’ll go check,” and went back to the truck.

He returned shortly and said, “Yeah, I meant two-by-four.” “All right. How long do you need them?”

The customer paused for a moment and said, “I’d better go check.”

After a while, he returned to the office and said, “A long time. We’re gonna build a house…”

There was a guy sitting at the bar staring blankly at his drink. He stayed this way for a half hour not speaking or looking at anyone. Finally a big truck driver decided to get him riled and took the drink away from him and drank it.

When he did this the man began to cry. The truck driver wasn’t expecting this reaction and said, “Come on man, I was just joking. Here, I’ll buy you another drink. I just can’t stand to see a man cry.”

Katie went straight to her grandmother’s house after she heard that her grandfather had passed away. She went to go and comfort her grandmother who was 95 years old and had been married for over 50 years.

While they were having tea she asked how her grandfather had died? The grandmother said, “He had a heart attack while we were making love on Sunday morning.”

Horrified, Katie told her grandmother that 2 people nearly 100 years old having sex would surely be asking for trouble.

Construction workers were working hard one day to tear down a large building in Chicago that had not been used for some time now. They were trying to clear the way for a brand new skyscraper when they found a skeleton in a small closet on the 49th floor.

After examining it they called the police. When the police arrived they directed them to the closet and showed them the skeleton fully clothed and standing upright. They said, “This could be Jimmy Hoffa or somebody really important.”

Three blondes are stranded on an island with no food or drink. A fairy appeared out of nowhere and said that she would grant them each one wish. The first blonde came up to her and said that she wanted to be intelligent. The fairy granted her wish and the blonde turned into a women with brown hair and began to swim off the island.

The second blonde wished that she could be even more intelligent than the other one. The fairy granted her wish and the blonde became a woman with black hair. She then built a boat and sailed off the island.