Jokes

Ed and Ted came across a small crowd that was gathered around a stall at the state fair. They were curious to what the excitement was so they decided to get a closer look. “What’s going on?” Ed asked.

“We’re watching to see if some idiot can ride that bronco machine,” he said pointing towards the noisy and fearsome looking machine. “Nobody has managed to stay on for the full three minutes yet. And there’s a prize of $1000 for anybody who can.

“I can do that!” Ed said confidently.
“No you can’t,” said Ted.
“I sure I can!” said Ed.

Suzuki was the son of a Japanese businessman who lived in Marietta, Georgia. Today he would be entering the fourth grade and therefore he was excited and eager to learn.

The teacher said, “Let’s begin by reviewing some American history. Who said ‘Give me Liberty, or give me Death?’”

She examined the faces of her students as they stared back at her with blank faces. All except Suzuki who had his hand up in the air and said, “Patrick Henry, 1775.”

“Very good! Who said ‘Government of the people, by the people, for the people, shall not perish from the earth’”? Again, no response except from Suzuki. “Abraham Lincoln, 1863.”, said Suzuki.

During trial an attorney was enjoying cross-examining his witnesses and forcing them to admit that they were not able to remember all the details of the car accident. The lawyer understood that no witness was perfect with their memory and he had learned through experience how to exploit these minor inconsistencies and lapse in memory to challenge their credibility.

After a series of brutal cross-examinations he was looking forward to his examination of yet another witness.

“Did you actually see the accident?” he asked.

The witness responded with a very polite, “Yes, sir.”

A blonde had totaled her car in a horrible accident. It was a miracle to watch as she pulled herself from the wreckage without any bruises or injuries. Bystanders were shocked when she proceeded to walk away with no shock on her face and began to apply fresh lipstick to her lips. The state trooper chose this moment to drive up and question the girl.

“My word!” the trooper gasped. “Your car looks like an accordion that was stomped on by an elephant. Are you OK ma’am?”

“Yes, officer, I’m just fine” the blonde stated.

A blonde was sitting next to a lawyer on an airplane and got to talking to each other. They were both bored by the long flight so they decided to play what the lawyer called a ‘game of intelligence’.

The lawyer offered her 10 to 1 odds and said that every time the blonde was not able to answer a question of his she would pay him $5. Every time he would not answer his he would give her $50.

Naturally the lawyer was confident in his ability and the blonde reluctantly agreed. The lawyer was the first to ask a question, “What is the distance between the Earth and the nearest star?”