Jokes

A blonde rushed into the emergency room one night with the tip of her index finger shot off.

“How did this happen?” the emergency room doctor asked her.

Well, I was trying to commit suicide, the blonde replied.

“What?” sputtered the doctor. “You tried to commit suicide by shooting your finger off?”

“No, Silly!” the blonde said. “First I put the gun to my chest, and I thought: I just paid $6,000.00 for these breast implants, I’m not shooting myself in the chest.”

“And then?” asked the doctor.

Three blonde friends all died in a car accident. They found themselves standing in front of the gates of Heaven with St. Peter at the door. He spoke to them and told them that before they were allowed to enter they would have to tell him what Easter was all about.

The first blonde said, “Easter is a big holiday where we give thanks, have a big feast and eat turkey.”

“Nooooo,” said St. Peter. “You don’t get in.”

The second blonde said, “Easter is the holiday that we celebrate Jesus’ being born of the virgin and give gifts to each other.”

A blonde came across a brunette that was jumping up and down on railroad tracks saying “21,21,21″. She decided to do exactly the same thing.

The brunette heard a train whistle and jumped off of the tracks. The blonde kept jumping and saying, “21,21,21.” The train ran over the blonde. When the train ended, the brunette jumped back on the tracks and started saying, “22,22,22.”

A blonde woman was walking her dogs when a man came up and said, “oh my, you have such beautiful dogs.. what are their names?”

The blonde replies “Well, the taller one is Timex and the shorter one is Rolex.”

The man responds “Huh.. that’s interesting.. why did you name them such names?”

The blonde sighs and shakes her head “Everyone keeps asking me the same thing… duhh, what else can you name your watch dogs??”

A blonde was craving pizza so she decided to stop by her favorite pizza shop on the way home from work. After she ordered what she wanted the assistant asked her if she wanted it cut into six or twelve pieces.

“Six please” she said, “I could never eat twelve!”

A blonde had always been teased by friends and family that she was dumb and didn’t know what she was doing. She was even told this by her husband.

One morning the husband leaves for work and the blonde gets up. She’s determined to prove to her husband that blondes arn’t dumb, by painting the kitchen.

When her husband gets home he says to his wife “Honey why do you have 3 coats on?”

The blonde says, “Well the directions on the paint said to use three coats for best results.”

A man was mowing his yard one day when his blonde female neighbor came outside of her house and went to her mailbox. She proceeded to open it, look inside, and they slammed it shut before she angrily walked back into her house.

A little later she came out of her house again, went to the mail box, and again opened it and slammed it shut again. Angrily, back into the house she went.

As the man was getting ready to edge the lawn, she came out again, marched to the mail box, opened it and then slammed it closed harder than ever.

Three blondes are in an elevator when it suddenly stops and the lights go out. They all try using their cell phones to try to get help, but have no luck. Even the phones are out.

After a few hours of being stuck with no help in sight, one blonde says to the others “I think the best way to call for help is by yelling together.”

The others agree with the first, so they all inhale deeply and begin to yell loudly “Together, together, together.”

One night a blonde was at a club enjoying a drink after a long, hard day at work. Behind her sat a ventriloquist who was yelling out blonde jokes - which were making every one roar with laughter.

After listening to him banter on for 5 minutes she stands up, goes over to him and yells “I resent that!” The ventriloquist started apologizing to her as much as she could. 

The blonde looked at him and said, ” You stay outta this, I”m talking to the guy on your lap!!!!

When Sally’s boss arrived to work he saw that she was crying hyseterically. Concerned, he walks over to her and asks sympathetically, “What’s the matter?” The blonde replies, “Early this morning I got a phone call that my mother had passed away.”

The boss, feeling very sorry at this point suggests to the young girl, “Why don’t you go home for the day…we aren’t terribly busy. Just take the day off and go relax.”

Sally very calmly states, “No I’d be better off here. I need to keep my mind busy and I have the best chance of doing that here.” The boss agrees and allows her to work as usual. “If you need anything just let me know” says the boss.