Jokes

A blonde had totaled her car in a horrible accident. It was a miracle to watch as she pulled herself from the wreckage without any bruises or injuries. Bystanders were shocked when she proceeded to walk away with no shock on her face and began to apply fresh lipstick to her lips. The state trooper chose this moment to drive up and question the girl.

“My word!” the trooper gasped. “Your car looks like an accordion that was stomped on by an elephant. Are you OK ma’am?”

“Yes, officer, I’m just fine” the blonde stated.

A blonde was sitting next to a lawyer on an airplane and got to talking to each other. They were both bored by the long flight so they decided to play what the lawyer called a ‘game of intelligence’.

The lawyer offered her 10 to 1 odds and said that every time the blonde was not able to answer a question of his she would pay him $5. Every time he would not answer his he would give her $50.

Naturally the lawyer was confident in his ability and the blonde reluctantly agreed. The lawyer was the first to ask a question, “What is the distance between the Earth and the nearest star?”

A brand new and rather young ventriloquist was making his way around the clubs and bars showing off his talents to the locals who found it highly amusing. One night he while he was doing a show in a small town in a club in Texas he ran into a few problems.

Construction workers were working hard one day to tear down a large building in Chicago that had not been used for some time now. They were trying to clear the way for a brand new skyscraper when they found a skeleton in a small closet on the 49th floor.

After examining it they called the police. When the police arrived they directed them to the closet and showed them the skeleton fully clothed and standing upright. They said, “This could be Jimmy Hoffa or somebody really important.”

Three blondes are stranded on an island with no food or drink. A fairy appeared out of nowhere and said that she would grant them each one wish. The first blonde came up to her and said that she wanted to be intelligent. The fairy granted her wish and the blonde turned into a women with brown hair and began to swim off the island.

The second blonde wished that she could be even more intelligent than the other one. The fairy granted her wish and the blonde became a woman with black hair. She then built a boat and sailed off the island.

A blonde rushed into the emergency room one night with the tip of her index finger shot off.

“How did this happen?” the emergency room doctor asked her.

Well, I was trying to commit suicide, the blonde replied.

“What?” sputtered the doctor. “You tried to commit suicide by shooting your finger off?”

“No, Silly!” the blonde said. “First I put the gun to my chest, and I thought: I just paid $6,000.00 for these breast implants, I’m not shooting myself in the chest.”

“And then?” asked the doctor.

Three blonde friends all died in a car accident. They found themselves standing in front of the gates of Heaven with St. Peter at the door. He spoke to them and told them that before they were allowed to enter they would have to tell him what Easter was all about.

The first blonde said, “Easter is a big holiday where we give thanks, have a big feast and eat turkey.”

“Nooooo,” said St. Peter. “You don’t get in.”

The second blonde said, “Easter is the holiday that we celebrate Jesus’ being born of the virgin and give gifts to each other.”

A blonde came across a brunette that was jumping up and down on railroad tracks saying “21,21,21″. She decided to do exactly the same thing.

The brunette heard a train whistle and jumped off of the tracks. The blonde kept jumping and saying, “21,21,21.” The train ran over the blonde. When the train ended, the brunette jumped back on the tracks and started saying, “22,22,22.”

A blonde woman was walking her dogs when a man came up and said, “oh my, you have such beautiful dogs.. what are their names?”

The blonde replies “Well, the taller one is Timex and the shorter one is Rolex.”

The man responds “Huh.. that’s interesting.. why did you name them such names?”

The blonde sighs and shakes her head “Everyone keeps asking me the same thing… duhh, what else can you name your watch dogs??”

A blonde was craving pizza so she decided to stop by her favorite pizza shop on the way home from work. After she ordered what she wanted the assistant asked her if she wanted it cut into six or twelve pieces.

“Six please” she said, “I could never eat twelve!”