Jokes

A young Chinese couple had just gotten married and was spending their first night as husband and wife. The wife was a virgin – but what she didn’t know was that her new husband was also.

That night she laid beneath the covers naked waiting nervously for her husband as he took off his clothes in the dark. When he was finished he got into bed and laid down next to her. He tried to sound experienced and reassuring by saying, ‘My darring,’ he whispers, ‘I know dis you firss time and you berry flighten. I promise you, I give you anyting you want, I do anyting - juss anyting you want. You juss ask. Whatchu want?’

An inebriated man was stumbling down the street with one foot on the curb and one foot in the gutter when a cop pulled up and said, “I’ve got to take you in, pal. You’re obviously drunk.”

Our wasted friend asked, “Officer, are ya absolutely sure I’m drunk?”

“Yeah, buddy, I’m sure,” said the copper. “Let’s go.”

Breathing a sigh of relief, the wino said, “Thank goodness, I thought I was crippled.”

So you want a day off? Well, let’s just take a look at what you’re asking for?

There are 365 days per year, making that 52 weeks. You already have 2 days off per week, leaving just 261 days available for work. Since you already spend 16 hours each day away from work you’ve used up 170 days, leaving only 91 days left to work. You spend 30 minutes each day on coffee breaks which accounts for 23 days each year, now leaving only 68 days available. With a 1 hour lunch break each day, you used up another 46 days, leaving only 22 days available for work. You normally spend 2 days per year on sick leave, leaving you only 20 days per year available for work. We are off 5 holidays per year, so your available working time is down to 15 days.

Murphy had applied for an engineering position at the Irish firm that was based out in Dublin. An American also applied for the job and both applicants were asked to take a test.

Upon completion of the test, both men had only missed one of the questions on the test. All the other questions were answered correctly. The manager went to Murphy and said, “Thanks to both of you for your interest, but we’ve decided to give the American the job.”

Murphy said, “And why would you be doing that? We both got 9 questions correct. This being Ireland and me being Irish, I should get the job!”

A man decided to get a haircut before he went on his big vacation to Rome, Italy. He told his barber about the trip who responded, “Rome? Why would anyone want to go there? It’s crowded, dirty and full of Italians. You’re crazy to go to Rome. So, how are you getting there?”

“We’re taking TWA,” was the reply. “We got a great rate!”

“TWA?” exclaimed the barber. “That’s a terrible airline. Their planes are old, their flight attendants are rude, and they’re always late. So, where are you staying in Rome?”

“We’ll be at the downtown International Marriott.”

An Irishman walked into a bar in Dublin and ordered three pints of beer. When he got his round of beer he took a sip out of each in turn. After he finished all three he went back to the bar and ordered another round of three. The bartender told him, “You know, a pint starts going flat after I draw it. It would taste better if you bought one at a time.”

Rebecca And Sam were celebrating their 50th wedding anniversary and reminiscing over the years that they had spent together. Sam looked over at her and asked, “So, Becky, I was wondering… Have you ever cheated on me?”

Becky replies, “Oh Sam, why would you ask such a question now? You don’t want to ask that question…”

“Yes, Becky, I really want to know. Please…”

“Well, all right, 3 times…”

“3, hmmm, well when were they?”

Three sons who loved their mother very much left home and were able to become wealthy over a period of time. One day they all got together to see what they each got her for her birthday.

The first said, “I built a big house for our Mother.” The second said, “I sent her a Mercedes with a driver.” The third smiled and said, “I’ve got you both beat. You remember how Mom enjoyed reading the Bible? And you know she can’t see very well any more. I sent her a remarkable parrot that recites the entire Bible. It took Elders in the church 12 years to teach him. He’s one of a kind. Mama just has to name the chapter and verse, and the parrot recites it.”

Peter Ludwig is a caver from Austria who hates the way that Americans drive. He offer this piece of advice to those who truly need it:

The probability of being involved in a traffic accident is directly proportional to time spent on the road. Driving fast decreases one’s exposure.

One third of traffic accidents are caused by drunk drivers; two thirds are caused by non-drunk drivers.

Therefore, the safest way to drive is drunk and VERY fast.

Mr. Steinberg was rushed to the hospital in the middle of the night because he had a massive heart attack. The doctors took care of him and by morning time he was discharged to the ICU where they performed more tests on him.

In a couple of days Mr. Steinberg’s physician comes into his room and says, “Sol, I’m happy to tell you that you are completely well. You have the heart function that you did when you were a fifteen-year-old lad. We’re going to send you home tomorrow. You don’t have to worry about your heart; do any physical exercise that you like.”