Jokes

Two young boys were sitting outside their pediatrician’s office where one of them was crying very loudly. The second boy came up to him and asked, “Why are you crying?”

The first boy said, “I came her for a blood test.”

“Are you afraid?,” asked the second boy.

“No. They cut my finger for the test,” he said

When he said this the second boy began to cry loudly.

Quite surprised the first boy asked, “Why are you crying?”

To which the second boy replied, “I came for a urine test!”

Jon and Amanpreet are two lawyers who were heading to play their usual 9 holes of golf. Jon offered Minaret a $50 - which he agreed to before they began the game. They both had a great game and after the 8th hole Amanpreet looked at the score and noticed that he was ahead by one stroke. Unfortunately he cut his balls into the rough on the 9th hole.

”Help me find my ball. Look over there,” he says to Jon. After a few minutes, neither man is able to find it. Since a lost ball carries a four point penalty, Amanpreet secretly pulled out a ball from his pocket and tossed it to the ground. ”I’ve found my ball!” he yelled.

A 60 year old woman was walking down the street on her way to the grocery store when she heard a voice coming from above her say, “You will live to be 100.”

She stopped walking and looked all around her to discover who had said it. She didn’t see anyone and kept on walking when the voice once again said, “You will live to be 100.”

Looking around her again and seeing no one she concluded that the voice had to be God’s. She was excited at the fact that she would live an extra 40 years and skipped the grocery store and made her way to the nearest plastic surgeon.

There was a guy sitting at the bar staring blankly at his drink. He stayed this way for a half hour not speaking or looking at anyone. Finally a big truck driver decided to get him riled and took the drink away from him and drank it.

When he did this the man began to cry. The truck driver wasn’t expecting this reaction and said, “Come on man, I was just joking. Here, I’ll buy you another drink. I just can’t stand to see a man cry.”

Katie went straight to her grandmother’s house after she heard that her grandfather had passed away. She went to go and comfort her grandmother who was 95 years old and had been married for over 50 years.

While they were having tea she asked how her grandfather had died? The grandmother said, “He had a heart attack while we were making love on Sunday morning.”

Horrified, Katie told her grandmother that 2 people nearly 100 years old having sex would surely be asking for trouble.

Two women were comparing notes on the disorders that they each had while they were sitting in the waiting room at the doctor’s office.

“I want a baby more than anything in the world,” said the first, “But I guess it is impossible.”

“I used to feel just the same way,” said the second. “But then everything changed. That’s why I’m here. I’m going to have a baby in three months.”

“You must tell me what you did.”

“I went to a faith healer.”

“But I’ve tried that. My husband and I
went to one for nearly a year and it didn’t help a bit.”

A man went to the store the other day and was in there for only five minutes and when he left a cop was in the middle of writing him a parking ticket. He went up to the cop and said, ‘Come on buddy, how about giving a guy a break?’

The cop ignored him and finished writing the ticket. The man was so frustrated that he called him a stupid idiot. In response to the comment the cop began to write him a ticket for having bald tires.

There was a young sailor sitting down in a bar throwing back a few drinks when he saw a pirate at another table. The pirate had a hook in one hand, a patch covering his eye, and a wooden-peg leg. The sailor walked over to him and asked him “How’d you end up with a peg-leg?”

“I was swept overboard during a fierce storm,” says the pirate. “and a bloody shark bit off me whole darn leg!” “Holy cow!” said the sailor. “What about the hook, how’d you get that?”

A young Chinese couple had just gotten married and was spending their first night as husband and wife. The wife was a virgin – but what she didn’t know was that her new husband was also.

That night she laid beneath the covers naked waiting nervously for her husband as he took off his clothes in the dark. When he was finished he got into bed and laid down next to her. He tried to sound experienced and reassuring by saying, ‘My darring,’ he whispers, ‘I know dis you firss time and you berry flighten. I promise you, I give you anyting you want, I do anyting - juss anyting you want. You juss ask. Whatchu want?’

An inebriated man was stumbling down the street with one foot on the curb and one foot in the gutter when a cop pulled up and said, “I’ve got to take you in, pal. You’re obviously drunk.”

Our wasted friend asked, “Officer, are ya absolutely sure I’m drunk?”

“Yeah, buddy, I’m sure,” said the copper. “Let’s go.”

Breathing a sigh of relief, the wino said, “Thank goodness, I thought I was crippled.”