Jokes

A man decided to get a haircut before he went on his big vacation to Rome, Italy. He told his barber about the trip who responded, “Rome? Why would anyone want to go there? It’s crowded, dirty and full of Italians. You’re crazy to go to Rome. So, how are you getting there?”

“We’re taking TWA,” was the reply. “We got a great rate!”

“TWA?” exclaimed the barber. “That’s a terrible airline. Their planes are old, their flight attendants are rude, and they’re always late. So, where are you staying in Rome?”

“We’ll be at the downtown International Marriott.”

An Irishman walked into a bar in Dublin and ordered three pints of beer. When he got his round of beer he took a sip out of each in turn. After he finished all three he went back to the bar and ordered another round of three. The bartender told him, “You know, a pint starts going flat after I draw it. It would taste better if you bought one at a time.”

Rebecca And Sam were celebrating their 50th wedding anniversary and reminiscing over the years that they had spent together. Sam looked over at her and asked, “So, Becky, I was wondering… Have you ever cheated on me?”

Becky replies, “Oh Sam, why would you ask such a question now? You don’t want to ask that question…”

“Yes, Becky, I really want to know. Please…”

“Well, all right, 3 times…”

“3, hmmm, well when were they?”

Three sons who loved their mother very much left home and were able to become wealthy over a period of time. One day they all got together to see what they each got her for her birthday.

The first said, “I built a big house for our Mother.” The second said, “I sent her a Mercedes with a driver.” The third smiled and said, “I’ve got you both beat. You remember how Mom enjoyed reading the Bible? And you know she can’t see very well any more. I sent her a remarkable parrot that recites the entire Bible. It took Elders in the church 12 years to teach him. He’s one of a kind. Mama just has to name the chapter and verse, and the parrot recites it.”

Peter Ludwig is a caver from Austria who hates the way that Americans drive. He offer this piece of advice to those who truly need it:

The probability of being involved in a traffic accident is directly proportional to time spent on the road. Driving fast decreases one’s exposure.

One third of traffic accidents are caused by drunk drivers; two thirds are caused by non-drunk drivers.

Therefore, the safest way to drive is drunk and VERY fast.

Mr. Steinberg was rushed to the hospital in the middle of the night because he had a massive heart attack. The doctors took care of him and by morning time he was discharged to the ICU where they performed more tests on him.

In a couple of days Mr. Steinberg’s physician comes into his room and says, “Sol, I’m happy to tell you that you are completely well. You have the heart function that you did when you were a fifteen-year-old lad. We’re going to send you home tomorrow. You don’t have to worry about your heart; do any physical exercise that you like.”

Madame de Gaulle was lunching with her English friends in reverence to her dead husband when she was asked what she would be looking forward to in the coming years.

“A penis.” she replied without hesitation. The embarrassed silence that followed was broken by the former President.

“My dear, I don’t think that the English pronounce the word like that, it is ‘appiness’”

A man was pushing a cart in the supermarket that had a screaming baby in it. A woman standing next to him kept saying out loud, “Don’t get excited, Albert; don’t scream, Albert; don’t yell, Albert; keep calm, Albert.”

A woman standing next to him said, “You certainly are to be commended for trying to soothe your son, Albert.”

The man looked at her and said, “Lady, I’m Albert.”

A man received a picture in the mail of him speeding through an automated radar. With the picture was a $40 speeding ticket from the police. He decided to have a bit of fun and mailed back a picture of a $40 bill.

The police responded by sending back a picture of handcuffs.

A man got off from work early and decided that he was going to go out with his buddies to the bar and get something to drink. He ended up drinking the night away and didn’t make it home till 2 a.m.

He was very drunk and when he got home he tried to be as quiet as possible to keep from waking everyone up. So he takes off his shoes and starts tip-toeing up the stairs. Half-way up the stairs, he falls over backwards and lands flat on his rear end.