A man received a picture in the mail of him speeding through an automated radar. With the picture was a $40 speeding ticket from the police. He decided to have a bit of fun and mailed back a picture of a $40 bill.
The police responded by sending back a picture of handcuffs.
A man got off from work early and decided that he was going to go out with his buddies to the bar and get something to drink. He ended up drinking the night away and didn’t make it home till 2 a.m.
He was very drunk and when he got home he tried to be as quiet as possible to keep from waking everyone up. So he takes off his shoes and starts tip-toeing up the stairs. Half-way up the stairs, he falls over backwards and lands flat on his rear end.
Two men were drinking at a bar trying to unwind from a hard day’s work. The first man says, “I got married because I was tired of eating out, cleaning the house, doing the laundry and wearing shabby clothes.”
“Amazing,” said the second, “I just got divorced for the very same reasons.”
An elderly couple were dating for five years before he popped the question. After taking her out to a romantic dinner he asked her to marry him. She said ‘yes’ without any hesitation.
The next morning when he woke up he couldn’t remember whether he said yes or no. “Was she happy? I think so, wait, no, she looked at me funny…”
After about an hour of trying to remember to no avail, he got on the telephone and gave her a call. Embarrassed, he admitted that he didn’t remember her answer to the marriage proposal.
A husband is on his death bed with only a few more hours to live. As he lay there he tells his wife that there is something he really wants to confess to her.
“I cannot die without telling you the truth. I cheated on you throughout our whole marriage. All those nights when I told you I was working late, I was with other women. And not just one woman either, but I’ve slept with dozens of them.”
After he had said this his wife leaned close to him and calmly said “Why do you think I gave you the poison?”
On their wedding night the bride tells her husband that she has never had sex before and asks him to explain it to her.
“OK, Sweetheart. Putting it simply, we will call your private place ‘the
prison’ and call my private thing ‘the prisoner’. So what we do is: put the
prisoner in the prison.
After that explanation they made love for the first time.
Afterwards, the guy is lying face up on the bed, smiling with satisfaction.
Nudging him, his bride giggles, “Honey the prisoner seems to have escaped.”
Ol’ Fred was on his death bed in the hospital and his family decided to call the preacher - knowing how religious he was. While the preacher stood next to the bed praying over him Ol’ Fred seemed to get worse. Suddenly he motioned for the preacher to give him something to write on.
The pastor handed him a pen and paper - which Ol’ Fred used to write something down with the last strength that he had before he died. The preacher thought it best not to look at the note at that time, so he placed it in his jacket pocket.
The Taco Bell Chihuahua, a Bulldog and a Doberman are in a bar having a drink when a female Collie walks up to them and says, “Whoever can say liver and cheese in a sentence can have me.”
So the Doberman says, “I love liver and cheese.” The Collie replies, “That’s not good enough.”
The Bulldog says, “I hate liver and cheese.” She says, “That’s not creative enough.”
Finally, the Chihuahua says, “Liver alone . . . cheese mine.”
Bob’s wife was pissed at him because he forgot the most important day of the year – their wedding anniversary. Just before they went to sleep that night she yelled at him and said, “Tomorrow morning, I expect to find a gift in the driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in 6 seconds AND IT BETTER BE THERE!!”
Early the next morning his wife woke up and when she looked outside at the driveway she saw a small box. She went outside and picked up the gift-wrapped package curious as to what it might be.
A new store for women has opened and has become all the rage. In this store women have the chance to choose for themselves a husband. The store has six floors to it with dozens of men on each. Each floor that the women go up the men will have more positive attributes.
There is, however, a catch. As you open the door to any floor you may choose a man from that floor, but if you go up a floor, you cannot go back down except to exit the building.
So a woman goes to the shopping center to find a husband.