Jokes

A new store for women has opened and has become all the rage. In this store women have the chance to choose for themselves a husband. The store has six floors to it with dozens of men on each. Each floor that the women go up the men will have more positive attributes.

There is, however, a catch. As you open the door to any floor you may choose a man from that floor, but if you go up a floor, you cannot go back down except to exit the building.

So a woman goes to the shopping center to find a husband.

One day two guys who without a job were talking. The first one said, “I’m going to become a lion tamer.”

The other replies, “That’s crazy, you don’t know nothing about no lion taming.”

“Yes I do!”

“Well, OK, answer me this. When one of those lions comes at you all roaring and biting, what you gonna do?”

“Well, then I take that big chair they all carry, and I stick it in his face until he backs down.”

“Well, what if the lion takes that big paw, and hooks the chair with them big claws, and throws that chair out of the cage? What do you do then?”

Many people have asked whether or not Windows is a virus. The answer is no. To understand more we have explained what a virus really is.

1.They replicate quickly - okay, Windows does that.

2.Viruses use up valuable system resources, slowing down the system as they do so - okay, Windows does that.

3.Viruses will, from time to time, trash your hard disk - okay, Windows does that too.

4.Viruses are usually carried, unknown to the user, along with valuable programs and systems. - Sigh.. Windows does that, too.

A wife had thrown her husband a party for his 60th birthday. The couple had been married for 25 years and because of this a fairy appeared to them both to grant them each a wish for being such a loving couple.

The wife said, “We’ve been so poor all these years, and I’ve never gotten to see the world. I wish we could travel all over the world.” The fairy waved her wand and POOF! She had the tickets in her hand.

The next Survivor season will be the battle between men only. There will be six married men placed on an island. Each will be given 3 kids and only one car for a total of six weeks.

Each of the children will pick a different sport or will have the option of taking dance classes or music classes.

Fast food is prohibited.

Each man must take care of his 3 kids; keep his assigned house clean, correct all homework, complete science projects, cook, do laundry, and pay a list of ‘pretend’ bills with not enough money. In addition, each man will have to budget in money for groceries each week.

After work two guys decided to meet up in a bar. The first one asked his friend, “Did your hear the news - Mike is dead??!!!”

“Woah, what the heck happened to him?”

“Well he was on his way over to my house the other day and when he arrived outside the house he didn’t brake properly and boom - He hit the curb, the car flipped over and he crashed through the sunroof - Went flying through the air and smashed through my upstairs bedroom window.”

“What a horrible way to die!”

After having dug to a depth of 20 meters last year, English scientists found traces of copper wire dating back over 200 years and came to the conclusion that their ancestors already had a telephone network 200 years ago.

Not to be outdone by the English, in the weeks that followed, Scottish scientists dug to a depth of 30 meters, and shortly after, headlines in the UK newspapers read: ‘Scottish archaeologists have found traces of 300 year old copper wire and have concluded that their ancestors already had an advanced high-tech communications network a hundred years earlier than the English.

A guy brought his pet monkey into the bar with him and ordered drinks. The monkey sat there for a few minutes and then began to jump all over the bar and act crazy. The monkey grabbed olives off of the tables and ate them, then began to eat some sliced limes before he jumped onto the pool table stuck the cue ball in his mouth and ate it whole.

The bartender screams at the guy, “Did you see what your monkey just did?” “No, what?” says the guy. “He just ate the cue ball off my pool table - whole!” says the bartender. “Yeah, that doesn’t surprise me, he eats everything in sight. Quite an appetite.

A man walked into his son’s bedroom to tell him to go take out the garbage- but couldn’t find him. Instead he found a letter from his son addressed to him. He opened the letter and with a sinking feeling he began to read it.

Dear Dad,

It is with great regret and sorrow that I’m writing you. I had to elope with my new girlfriend because I wanted to avoid a scene with you and Mom. I’ve been finding real passion with Joan and she is so nice. I knew you would not approve of her because of all her piercings, tattoos, her tight motorcycle clothes and because she is so much older than I am but it’s not only the passion, Dad, she’s pregnant.

A police officer pulled over a driver for speeding and proceeded to ask all of the necessary questions:

Officer: May I see your driver’s license?

Driver: I don’t have one. It was revoked when I got my 5th DWI.

Officer: May I see the registration for this vehicle?

Driver: It’s not my car. I stole it.

Officer: The car is stolen?

Driver: That’s right. But come to think of it, I think I saw the registration in the glove box when I was putting my gun in there.

Officer: There’s a gun in the glove box?