Jokes

A man walked into a brain store to pick up some extra brain so that he could finish studying. He saw a sign that showed off the high quality of professional brains at this particular store. So he began to ask the butcher a few questions about these brains.

“How much does it cost for engineer brain?”

“Three dollars an ounce.”

“How much does it cost for programmer brain?”

“Four dollars an ounce.”

“How much for lawyer brain?”

“$1,000 an ounce.”

“Why is lawyer brain so much more?”

During trial an attorney was enjoying cross-examining his witnesses and forcing them to admit that they were not able to remember all the details of the car accident. The lawyer understood that no witness was perfect with their memory and he had learned through experience how to exploit these minor inconsistencies and lapse in memory to challenge their credibility.

After a series of brutal cross-examinations he was looking forward to his examination of yet another witness.

“Did you actually see the accident?” he asked.

The witness responded with a very polite, “Yes, sir.”

A lawyer and a doctor were in a car accident while on a small country road. The lawyer had ran a stop sign thinking that no one else would be on the road. The doctor was on a cross street and did not have enough time to react or get out of the way. Fortunately, neither driver was hurt.

The lawyer, seeing that the doctor was a little shaken up, helped him from his battered car and offered him a drink from a hip flask.The doctor accepted, took a deep drink, and handed the flask back to the lawyer. The lawyer held the flask for a minute or two, and gave it to the doctor again. The doctor took another swig. He again returned the flask to the lawyer, who closed it and put it away.

Two laywers were out hunting one day when they came upon some tracks. They stopped to look at the tracks closely to determine what animal had made them.

The first lawyer announced, “Those are deer tracks. It’s deer season, so we should follow the tracks and find our prey.”

The second lawyer responded,”Those are clearly elk tracks, and elk are out of season. If we follow your advice, we’ll waste the day.”

Each attorney believed himself to be the superior woodsman, and they both bitterly stuck to their guns.

They were still arguing when the train hit them.

What’s the difference between a good lawyer and a bad lawyer?

A bad lawyer can let a case drag out for several years. A good lawyer can make it last even longer.

“I’m starting to think that my lawyer is too interested in making money.”
“Why do you say that?”
“Listen to this from his bill: ‘For waking up at night and thinking about your case: $25′.”

A local charity office has recieved many donations - but now from one of the town’s richest and most successful lawyers. So the person in charge of the charity decided to pay him a visit and persuade him to donate at least a little.

“Our research shows that out of a yearly income of at least $500,000, you give not a penny to charity. Wouldn’t you like to give back to the community in some way?”

The lawyer thought about this for a few minutes and then said, “First, did your research also show that my mother is dying after a long illness, and has medical bills that are several times her annual income?”

During the wild west days many travelers sought shelter from the cold winter nights and the bitter weather that met them on the road. On one night such as this a traveler walked into an inn hoping to find some shelter.

The innkeeper led the man to a table and was able to provide him with some food and a good drink. “I’m terribly sorry that I can’t seat you next to the fire, sir, but court is in session and the lawyers are taking up all that space.”

A lawyer was proud that his son decided to follow in his footsteps and wished him good luck as he left for law school. After graduating with high honors the son went to join his father’s firm.

 At the end of his first day at work he rushed into his father’s office, and said, “Father, father, in one day I broke the accident case that you’ve been working on for ten years!”

His father responded: “You idiot, we could have lived on the funding of that case for another ten years!”

During a rather boring courtroom trial and on a very hot day one of the jurors was having trouble staying awake and finally succumbed to sleep just as the prosecutor began to question the victim.

“The defendant is accused of making obscene phone calls to you at your home. We would like you to tell the jury what the defendant said to you word for word when he called you that night,” asked the prosecutor.

“I’m afraid that I can’t do that,” the victim replied. “It was so crude and disgusting. I can’t use language like that.”